Submit! Sit! Stay! Obey!

The Bible says that a wife is to submit to her husband. But how does that work in a godly marriage relationship? It would be easy to give a short, pat answer, but delving into that answer would not be quite as short.

Here’s the short, pat answer: Ephesians 5:22-33. That explains everything, doesn’t it?

The major element of that submission is that it is a willingness to do what the other sees as the best course of action. That statement can be badly misinterpreted, however, so I want to be clear what I mean by it.

It doesn’t mean that the wife is somehow inferior. It doesn’t mean that the wife should not protest the husband’s decision if she thinks it’s unwise. And it doesn’t mean that there are no areas in which she would rightfully carry authority; so in circumstances where her decision is appealed (by the kids, for example), there would be times when the only appropriate response from the husband would be “What Mom says goes.”

In the end, really what it comes down to is that while they would work side by side as equals – as one, and it shouldn’t be any other way – if anyone asked her “Who’s in charge?” she would point to her husband, and if anyone should say “You can’t do that. Who said you could?” she would point to her husband.

This submission doesn’t have to do with one of them having power over the other, or with the wife being like a servant to the husband. It does have to do with a recognition of how the authority structure in the family works, and it does have to do with the fact that God has created husbands and wives to interact a certain way, as a reflection of the relationship between God and men.

The marriage relationship is a joining of two into one, and so nothing really should be done by the one without the other – everything is no longer “yours” or “mine” but “ours” – and so that relationship is one where each wants the other to be a part of whatever task they have to do, as though they were the very best of friends (which they should be). But in that friendship, and in those tasks that they do together as one, one of them will generally need to take the lead, and scripture is pretty clear that that is the husband’s role.

An illustration comes to mind: There were a couple of guys who decided to go sailing, and since neither of them were “in charge” there were disputes about what they were going to do in some cases. Finally one told the other “Listen, I was the one who initiated this whole adventure, I was the one who let you come along, and you chose to join me – I’m the one in charge.” It wasn’t that the other guy was unfit to lead, but that he wasn’t the initiating force to begin with, and he had joined in with the understanding that he was joining, not leading – though he didn’t want to be mindlessly bossed.

Perhaps it’s a weak analogy for submission in marriage in general, but when a woman marries and has her husband as the authority, there is that aspect of willingly choosing to place herself under that authority. It is not that all of the sudden “Oh, I guess I have to listen to this guy now that we’re married,” but rather like how obeying Christ is part and parcel of becoming a Christian – not a sudden realization you have after you’ve decided to be a Christian – you choose to follow Christ knowing that that’s what’s involved. Submission is something that is wrapped up with marriage, not something that just kind of kicks in after you get married.

Submission doesn’t really have to do with “women being weaker vessels”, and there is no room for an attitude like

If you want to build a happy home,
Have you sacrificed a mind of your own?
‘Cause a good wife learns to cower
Underneath the umbrella of power...[1]

Godly submission is a description of how the two can and ought to best work together – the husband loving his wife, the wife loving her husband – being one flesh, serving God wholeheartedly with one heart, rather than two individualistic hearts.

Above all things, godly submission must work with love, or else it doesn’t work at all. A wife must actively work towards her husband’s highest good, not just mindlessly doing whatever he tells her to do, and if she is going to work towards her husband’s highest good, she has to listen to what God tells her, not just what God tells him. She has to think for herself and share those thoughts, rather than just listening to her husband’s thoughts.
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[1] Steve Taylor, "I Manipulate"

Thanks to the friend (who remains anonymous) who helped me write this post.